Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough
by keyascribe
Summary: Hijikata is still Hijikata.  Sougo is Sougo.  Same old story  new attempts at groping!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I think Gintama is more fun to mess with from a distance than to own, so it's lucky that I own it in no way whatsoever.

WARNINGS: Hastily done writing. Cross-dressing Sougou.

TIMELINE: Some time after Okita becomes sisterless, I suppose. Also after my other story Artistic License, although that only matters for about two paragraphs.

A/N: I'm so behind on everything Gintama that it's not even funny (sigh). This was supposed to be a short little one-shot to get myself writing again, but it seems to be mutating. Dedicated to those who asked for more HxS romance, which this . . . . maybe is. If you're really desperate.

Everyone who reviewed recently or months ago, once (!) twice(!!) or lots (!!!) you are AWESOME and I am beyond lame for being too unorganized to answer. Hope this makes up for it a little.

* * *

Ten Steps to Break(down)through 

By keyascribe

* * *

1. The Plan 

The first time, Kondo got as far as ". . . and since Sougou knows how to cross-dresss . . ." before Hijikata said a bad word and stormed out of the room. That afternoon, the subsequent fourteen attempts at explaining the 'brilliant strategy that will allow us to catch illicit smugglers in the act' all ended somewhere before the second word – and sometimes even before the second syllable.

By the second day, the Shinsengumi had already become accustomed to Hijikata suddenly glaring at Kondo's opening mouth and heading for the door on the heels of a snarled "_No_." However, if one wanted to take the time and effort to piece together Kondo's fits and starts of brilliant strategy explanation, it might come together like this:

a) there was a such thing as a "honeymoon trip" spaceship that circled over Edo

b) someone was using this to smuggle drugs

c) this was bad

d) REALLY bad

e) like totally against everything the Shinsengumi stood for!

f) so they should stop it

g) which mean they needed to get on the boat

h) which required at least one couple consisting of a man and a woman

i) but there weren't any woman in the Shinsengumi

j) so since Sougou knows how to cross-dress . . . . .

Eventually, as he became more desperate, Kondo started to add to his attempts at communication such subtle guilt trips as "after all, remember that time you and Sougou went behind my back to thwart the government's friends' evil battling arena and then I nearly died because of it?" and Hijikata ground out his cigarette with his teeth and finally listened.

It wasn't so much _because_ of guilt. Any vague moral unease had definitely been exercised after months of _Toshi, buy me dinner because you know that time you and Sougou almost got me killed by our employers? – Naa, Toshi, can I have the last __cookie __because you know, there was that time when you and Sougou almost got me killed_ – _Toshi, help me serenade Otae-san under her bedroom window because I lost ground during that time when you and Sougou almost got me killed. . . ._

The last had been particularly ridiculous, since the Kondo nearly being killed part had only lasted about an hour. Besides, Otae lived in a one floor dojo, so serenading her had meant having to crouch down under the engawa and that was, besides stalkerish (something Isao obviously had no problem with) stupid and certainly not conducive to good two-part harmony.

Somehow, despite it being _you and Sougou almost got me killed _it was never Sougou that ended up with a mild concussion after having to run for it under the floorboards when Otae finally woke up enough to realize what was happening.

Still, the attempt at guilting Hijikata was important because it was Kondo's last weapon before he had to go ahead and order Toshirou to do something. At which point Hijikata was going to _have_ to do it.

So if he was going to have to do it, he might as well pretend he had a choice in the matter. That way he at least got points for magnanimity.

"Fine, dammit, _what?_" he snarled.

Okay, not a lot of points for magnanimity.

Kondo beamed. Toshi was so magnanimous! "k)," he said eagerly, continuing where he had left off, "I thought you and Sougou could infiltrate the boat and catch the smugglers!"

He had expected an explosion, and took it as an unexpectedly good sign when Hijikata didn't immediately react. In truth, this was only because Hijikata was trying to mentally connect k) to a)-j), coming to an incredibly disturbing conclusion, then rejecting it and trying the whole process again.

But really, no matter how Hijikata tried to fit the pieces together, it really sounded as if Kondo was suggesting that Hijikata and Okita go on the boat as a . . . a . . . a co—

A coup---

. . . a _couple?_

Then there _was_ an explosion.

It was only instinct, the rest of him being pretty much numb with shock and horror, that allowed Hijikata to twist out of the way of the bazooka in time. Several crowded seconds later, amid a light shower of dust and debris from the remains of the back wall, Hijikata pushed himself off the floor and seethed because once again, Sougou's explosion had usurped _his_ planned explosion.

It would have been a really good explosion, too. Even Kondo would have been swayed by his intense righteous anger.

Well. This was Kondo Isao, so . . . not.

Once again Hijikata wondered at the intelligence of following one of the few people in the greater Edo area who never ever got intimidated by him when he wanted them too.

One of the other few casually slid his rocket launcher off his shoulder and made a disappointed face as he noticed none of Hijikata's appendages were strewn bloodily about the floor.

"Ah, Sougou!" Kondo greeted the Shinsengumi captain as if astounding good fortune rather than bloodminded intent to maim had brought him forth at this exact time. "You don't mind being affianced to Toshi, do you?"

_Affianced? _

"Affianced?" Hijikata repeated incredulously. "AFFIANCED?"

"It's a honeymoon trip, so you have to be married and no one gets married unless they're affianced," Kondo said reasonably. Or, looking at it from another, more Hijikata-oriented point of view, entirely _un_reasonably.

"Affianced . . .to _him_?" Hijikata shuddered. The concept was so obviously incredibly wrong on so many, many, _many_ levels that he couldn't even find the words to oppose it properly.

Sougou gave him a bored look. "That means I get all his wordly possessions if he dies, right?" he asked with only mild interest.

"_NO._" said Hijikata Toshirou.

"Actually, he's right, Toshi," Kondo corrected. "But Sougou, it's no fair attacking him if you're in the same bed, okay?"

"NO." said Hijikata again.

"Toshi, they'll get suspicious if you two sleep separately."

"NO!" Hijikata said more forcefully, which was impressive because he had already been at full offensive force mach 4. "NO I am not going to have Sougou as my fiance! NO I will not share a bed with that psycho. And NO I will NOT have anything to do with this!"

"Kondo-san," said Sougou, ignoring him, "do I have to wear makeup?"

"NO! Can you not hear me saying NO!?"

"Certainly," agreed Kondo, also ignoring him. "Toshi definitely likes a woman in makeup."

"NO! I mean, yes I do, but NO!"

Sougou cast a speculative look his way. "Do I get hazard pay if he tries to ravish me?"

"I WILL NOT TRY TO RAVISH YOU!"

Kondo nodded approvingly. "Toshi promises not to ravish you."

"But you know what he's like," Sougou said distrustfully.

"I know," Kondo agreed sympathetically over the background of Hijikata's useless temper tantrum. "But you can always kick him where it hurts. We'll understand."

Hijikata ground his teeth as Sougou's eyes lit up happily, and then and there he made a sacred oath that nothing, no power on earth, could ever tempt him to even think about ravishing Okita Sougou. No intervention of divine power, no dramatic reversal of the space time continuum. _Nothing._

* * *

2. The Clothes 

It was a kimono. It was a short, very short, kimono. And there were stockings. Thigh high stockings. With lace.

"Wow," breathed someone from the midst of assembled members of the squads, the tone sounding somewhere between impressed and terrified. Hijikata was absolutely he hadn't said it, because whatever he was thinking, it definitely wasn't akin in any way to "wow". In fact, his thought process was more like a continual loop of "short" "lace" "my god" "need cigarette NOW".

With iron nonchalance, he lit up a smoke and focused on that rather than the way Sougou was being . . . lacy.

"Kondo-saaaan, Hijikata-san isn't even looking," Sougou pouted.

"Well, he's already seen you in a dress," Kondo pointed out.

Everyone in the room (and it was everyone in the Shinsengumi since the bizarre concept of Captain Okita Sougou in drag held a certain fascination for anyone who had ever met said teenage embodiment of sadism) swiveled in one synchronized motion to study Hijikata.

Hijikata shot them a _look_. The ones who hadn't already gone pale from seeing Sougou now went pale. The others went paler. "It was one time!" he growled, daring anyone to comment further.

They had been _over_ this. It wasn't like he wasn't _still _walking into the common rooms to find pinned up covers from that damn 24 volume coming of age samurai saga with him and Sougou on the cover and big fluffy hearts drawn around them in sparkly markers. Although possibly it Sougou himself who was doing it because his twisted sense of humor found it amusing.

It was in no way amusing.

_Yes_, it had been a women's kimono that one time. One time that Hijikata had repeatedly tried to scour from his brain. But even that time, as mentally scarring as it had been, had at least been much less . . . short. With absolutely no involvement of . . . thigh. Never had Hijikata dreamed that he would wish for the good old days when Sougou's cross-dressing didn't involve lace.

"It, um, looks nice Okita-taichou," said one of the squad members in a tone that signaled he knew he was either going to get brownie points for the comment or a bazooka in the face. Or both. Very . . ." he tried to search for an accurate adjective and failed miserably. "Cuddly?"

"No cuddling," Hijikata and Sougou both said flatly.

Sougou was not cuddly.

Even Hijikata would – well, might – to himself, on a cold day in hell – admit that the kimono did indeed look strangely . . . not bad . . . on Sougou. The discordant note was the captain's expression, which remained the same as always and clearly expressed a) you are boring me b) I would like to kill you and c) even if I did kill you it would still bore me.

That was _not _cuddly.

"Toshi, give your fiancé a compliment," Kondo urged.

Hijikata considered this. "You look like a slut," he said after mulling over several possibilities.

"You like sluts," Sougou pointed out implacably.

Damn, thought Hijikata Toshirou.

* * *

3. The Preparations 

Yamazaki stood at attention in the front of the room and cleared his throat, looking as nervous as it was natural to look if you were about to advise the demon of the Shinsengumi on how to act lovey dovey with his long-feuding 1st captain. This was so nervous as to be bordering on terrified, because there were some people who could get away unharmed after introducing this kind of topic to these kind of people - and then there was Yamazaki.

After a long moment, Kondo cleared his own throat. "Yamazaki, you haven't said anything," he prompted.

"Oh? Uh, I haven't?"

Yamazaki had been fervently hoping that aliens would suddenly invade, forcing him to cancel his speech.

. . . .well of course aliens had already invaded.

Evil aliens, then.

That was, the evil aliens the Shinsengumi was allowed to attack.

Not the other kind, that the government liked.

Those wouldn't be helpful at all.

"Yamazaki, you still aren't talking."

"Oh! Sorry, sir." Yamazaki blinked and cleared his throat again. He had, after all, worked hard for this research and had been slapped hard several times for being a peeping tom along the way.

Which he wasn't.

Well, except when the job required it. Which was, quite frankly, surprisingly often.

But it wasn't like he _enjoyed_ it.

Ok, sometimes he did. But really it--

"Ya. Ma. Za. Ki," Hijikata growled, sending primal terror through the spy and causing his mouth to start operating even while his brain begged it not to.

"Hai!! According to my research, affianced couples act in several distinctive ways. They often h-hold hands – "

"No," said Sougou and Hijikata.

"—they f-feed each other food—"

"No," said Sougou and Hijikata.

"—they often s-speak in tandem—"

"N—" Sougou and Hijikata started to say, then stopped and looked pointedly away, Hijikata growling and even Sougou looking slightly put out.

"Th-there's also. Well. The man. Tends to. Gropehisfiancéalot," Yamazaki swallowed and pushed on quickly in the hopes that Hijikata hadn't heard what he had just said, "and the woman worries about her fiance's health--"

"I don't want to grope him," Hijikata hissed.

"And I don't want him to have good health," Sougou added reasonably.

"Pretend!" Kondo bellowed in a dramatic, fist-clenched way, as if he were encouraging them to do something actually heroic. "Toshi – grope. Sougou – tell him to take care of himself. _Now._"

Extremely aware of the assorted watchers, most of whom were just barely too scared of him to leer, Hijikata trudged over to Okita and gingerly placed a hand on Sougou's shoulder, the least dangerous part of the captain he could think of.

"There," he said sullenly. "Your turn."

Sougou gazed at him thoughtfully. "You should smoke less," he said finally. "Your teeth are turning yellow and your breath is unwholesome. Also stop eating so much mayo," he added, warming up to the task, "it's gross and unhealthy and makes you fat. You have no fashion sense and you need a haircut. Also---"

"_Worried_, Sougou. Not critical," Kondo interrupted.

"Oh." Sougou looked disappointed. "Then . . . how's this? 'Watch out, it's dangerous'."

Hijikata started to say "What is?" but once again instinct cut in and he bent over backward and twisted to narrowly avoid the blade.

Where had Sougou even been hiding a sword?

"Hmmm," Kondo said thoughtfully as Hijikata swore on the floor. "Maybe we should just focus on the groping."

* * *

tbc, whee 


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gintama, although I did kick one of my students out of class last week for looking at Gintama websites instead of doing her TOEIC practice. Of course, secretly I wanted to cheer her on, but the life of a teacher is hard.

WARNINGS: Hasty writing. Cruelty to Yamazaki. References to groping. Sougou's cross-dressing. Otae's mood swings.

A/N: I realized my title was being all anti-format and funky. Hopefully it's okay now. Steps 4 & 5 today.

* * *

Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough 

Chapter Two

_

* * *

When last we left off, our intrepid undercover agents were contemplating a fearsome and dramatic strategy . . . ._

* * *

4. The Groping 

"No groping!" Hijikata and Sougou chorused for twenty or twenty first time.

Kondo frowned as if they were being unreasonably difficult. "You two are affianced," he said sternly. "There has to be groping. Or cuddling. Toshi, as man, you have to pick one."

Hijikata glowered, but decided that at least groping involved less contact and lasted a shorter amount of time.

"Fine," he conceded. "But you know if I get within a foot of groping distance he's going to attack."

The collected Shinsengumi members watching them instantly froze in a kind of almost snigger innuendo.

"Not that kind of attack, idiots!"

There was a general relieved murmur of comprehension. No one really wanted to witness Okita Sougou with that sort of twinkle in his eyes.

"It's true, though, Kondo-san," Sougou admitted. "It's kind of instinct, you know."

"Then we'll just have to consider this special training!" Kondo declared. "Yamazaki, you try to grope Sougou."

"_M-me_?" Yamazaki whispered, sounding strangled. "W-why?"

"We need to start with someone unthreatening. That will make it easier for Sougou to restrain his natural, excessively violent, tendancies."

"R-really?"

Kondo nodded unconvincingly. "Uhhhh, sure. . . . "

Yamazaki, being badminton-obsessed but not an idiot, had grave doubts about this particular theory, but he swallowed and obeyed.

"H-hey there h-honey . . . " he stammered, trying to play the part as his shaking hand unwillingly inched down toward the part of anatomy most likely to be groped.

Sougou's eyebrow twitched and there was a blur of motion.

_Thud. _

"Sougou, nice girls don't do that," Kondo said reproving reproachfully as Yamazaki quivered in a puddle of pain on the floor.

"Oh?" Sougou could have been unspeakably bored or honestly surprised. "What was I supposed to do, them?"

Kondo hesitated, seeing as most of his recent attempts at romance had ended in much the same way. "Uh, you could laugh?" he hazarded.

Sougou contemplated laughing. "But I don't laugh."

"If you're a girl, you have to laugh," Kondo insisted. "Sort of, eheheheh like. You know, girlishly."

"E. He. He. Heh?"

There was a collective shudder. Sougou had indeed sounded girlish . . . if the girl was a mass-murdering psychopath.

"Okay, forget the laughing right now," Kondo said quickly. "Let's keep practicing how not to flatten someone if they touch you."

Sougou shrugged. Hijikata noticed the movement raised the hem of the kimono.

Hijikata didn't _want _to notice things like that.

He needed a cigarette. Well, he was already smoking. Fine. Then he needed ANOTHER cigarette. Or two.

He eyed the scene as another unlucky squad member approached Sougou, hand outstretched toward a part of Sougou he really would have been happy to never contemplate.

Maybe three cigarettes.

. . . Outside.

* * *

By the time Hijikata had chain-smoked himself into a cloud of portable nicotine and gone back in the room, most of the Shinsengumi were lying on the floor groaning. 

"Ah, good, Toshi. I think we're making progress. You try it now," Kondo ordered.

Immediately, there was another collective almost snigger from everyone conscious and betting money surreptitiously changed hands. Grimly, Hijikata committed the names and faces belonging to those hands to memory and made a mental note to kill all of them as soon as possible. He could always hire new recruits. Preferably ones who had never, ever, read a 24 volume samurai saga in their life.

As for this, it was best to just get the damn mockery out of the way. Right?

Glaring at Kondo, Hijikata reached out a hand toward Sougou. Maybe it was like with wild animals. If you maintained eye contact . . . .

Sougou's eys were big and dark with overly coated mascara, looking at him with that expressionless expression that always seemed to be challenging you to _find _the expression.

Almost there . . . .

Almost . . . .

Al---

"Oh," said Kondo disappointedly. "I didn't think that would happen."

"You thought Okita-taichou would let _him_?" a bruised Yamazaki asked speculatively.

Kondo shook his head. "No, I just thought Toshi would have better reflexes." He sighed and stepped over Hijikata's prone form to rest a fatherly hand on Sougou. Even with watering eyes, Hijikata didn't miss how easily _Kondo_ could do that.

"Sougou, that's really not how you're supposed to act toward your fiance."

"Maybe I'm just marrying him for his money," Sougo guessed.

"Toshi doesn't have any money."

"Then I'm definitely not going to let him touch me!" Sougou blinked awkwardly, raising a hand to his face. "Kondo-san, this mascara is hurting my eyes. I don't think you did it right."

"Perhaps not," Kondo agreed thoughtfully. Then he grinned, and later Hijikata had to wonder if this was the whole reason he had come up with this ridiculous plan in the first place: "I guess it's time to call in an expert!"

* * *

5. The expert 

Otae regarded Hijikata and Sougou and tried very hard not to laugh.

"I see," she managed. "So that's why Kondo-san meant when he said there was a beauty emergency in the Shinsengumi."

(Isao had already been taken care of and was currently semi-conscious and dreaming lovely fluffy Otae-san-related things in his office, a result of Otae'explaining' that his continued presence was unnecessary and irksome.)

"Well, you're right," she said now, placing her hands on her hips and surveyed the bedecked captain, "the kimono suits you but that makeup and the hair don't work at all, Okita-sa . . ." She trailed off and frowned. "Now, what's your girl name anyhow?"

Girl name? Hijikata hadn't thought that far ahead. Of course he could hardly call his fiance's name passionately if it was Sougou, could he? Not that he was going to call him passionately no matter what damn name he picked, of course.

Hijikata needed a cigarette. He took one out.

"Please, Hijikata-san. Must you?"

Somehow, Hijikata didn't thinking saying "Yes" would get him anywhere. Instead, he just stuck it between his teeth like nicotine candy. Even unlit it added 30-45 percent to his nonchalance factor.

She smiled approvingly at him. "Now, about that name . . . ."

"You can use Sou-chan," Sougou said reluctantly after a moment. "That's what my sister called me."

"That's very nice," Otae said, and because Hijikata secretly agreed with her he made sure to roll his eyes very obviously.

"And what did she call _you_, Hijikata-san?" Otae asked, still sweetly, but also somehow with a sudden cold current behind the smile which said she didn't approve of his overt demonstration of indifference.

Sougou suggested a rude word.

_Slam._

"Now I'm sure your sister wouldn't want you using that sort of language," Otae said primly, as if she hadn't just belted Sougou halfway across the room.

Hijikata was suddenly rather glad he hadn't ignored her and lit up.

Tangled in the corner's furniture, Sougou actually looked guilty at the rebuke. "Sorry," he muttered, picking himself up and returning docilely to his seat.

Hijikata sniggered.

Otae shot him another look, going from kind to icy in .o3 seconds. "Did you say something?"

Hijikata swallowed. "Uh, no . . . "

"Good." Back to benevolent (and Hijikata was beginning to think Otae made Sougou seem emotionally stable) Otae started brushing Sougou's hair. Sougou sat awkwardly allowing her touch – in fact he had probably been touched more this day than in the last year combined.

Somehow that sentence sounded off in Hijikata's head.

Which left Hijikata to wonder why, for the second time, he was watching his homicidal first captain dress up. Although at least this time he was actually seeing it, not just listening. Wait, did that sound as weird as he thought it did?

He decided not to think about it.

"It must have been nice to grow up with your sister, ne?" Otae said conversationally as she continued tweaking and spritzing.

"Un," Sougou agreed noncommitedly, before adding, surprisingly, "but I spent most of my time at the dojo." Hijikata was somewhat amazed that he would volunteer even that much.

"I'm sure she was so proud of you," Otae continued, sounding so comforting it would have been eerily reminiscent of the sister they were talking about, except that said sister would never have bitch-slapped Sougou across a room.

Although Hijikata would have paid good money to see it happen.

"And I bet she loved spending time with you. I bet when you were little she used to dress you up just like this –"

"Uh well, that is . . . . " Sougou muttered, eyeing Hijikata.

"I did the same thing with my little brother. But he didn't turn out to be a sadist, so your sister has nothing to feel guilty about."

Sougou looked grateful for the reassurance as Otae turned to regard Hijikata again. "I'm sure it was all down to _bad influences_," she continued pointedly.

"Hey, he was already like this when _I _met him!" Hijikata protested.

"Are you calling Kondo-san a bad influence?"

Two sets of eyes narrowed at the implication.

Hijikata groaned. He really needed a cigarette. Oh, he had one. It was getting pretty damp, though. He chucked it out and inserted a new one. Nonchalance power once again upgraded.

"Why am I even here?" Hijikata grumbled around the cigarette. "I don't care how Sougou does his hair."

"Fine, I'll be an ugly girl and tell everyone you like me for my personality."

"I _don't_ like you," Hijikata corrected.

"Hijikata-kun," Otae reproved, "you're not being a very nice boyfriend."

Hijikata twitched a little at the "kun". "I'm _not_ a very nice boyfriend. Ask anyone."

"But this is your fiance!"

Hijikata wished everyone would stop taking that so seriously.

"Now," Otae continued as if she had settled some point, "what color looks good?" She held up several bottles of nail polish in varying shades of girliness.

"I. Don't. Care." Hijikata reiterated.

Otae swatted him. She actually swatted him. Hijikata was stunned. Maybe his cigarette power only worked if they were actually on fire.

"Be a better fiancé!" she scolded.

"I am _not_ his fiancé."

They looked at him. Hijikata sighed irritably. " . . .can't we pretend I've already passed the stage of caring and have moved on to a constant level of indifference so deep that nothing can move me?" he asked with a sort of despairing hope.

"But you're affianced. That means you must be deeply in love."

Hijikata knew they were deeply in something. He had never considered it love.

"Do I really seem so twisted that I'd be in love with that?" He indicated Sougou.

"Mm," Sougou half-agreed. "That is a little twisted. But maybe I give great head or something."

Hijikata choked on his cigarette. "I don't even want to know if that's true or not!"

"Hiji-chan," Otae admonished, "you're a man of the world. You can't blush every time you think about sex and Sou-chan. It won't seem realistic."

"I'm not blushing, I'm choking on tobacco," Hijikata snarled. "And I am never ever going to think about sex and Sougou!"

"Sou-_chan_," Otae reminded him. "You really shouldn't let it disturb you so much."

"It doesn't disturb me. Well, it does, but on a purely psychological level. There is no physical disturbance at all."

"Oh?"

He suddenly felt warm flesh pressing against him, although thankfully nowhere that would result in seppuku. Leave it to damn Sougou to take those words as a challenge.

"This is not disturbing me at all," he stated in a determined monotone as Sougou twined around him.

Otae watched Hijikata being molested with a sad face. "Hi-chin, if you're not nicer, Sou-chan will run off with someone else," she warned.

Sougou brightened. "Can I do that?"

"No!" Hijikata snarled.

"Then what color do you like?" Otae repeated implacably.

He surveyed the pearly shades in front of him. "'Passion'," he sighed.

* * *

tbc! 

(and if you don't know, "-chin" is the super cute form of "-chan")

_Also, a sad st__ory about how Gintama is corrupting the Jr. High students of Japan. _

I gave my friend's son a Gintama keychain from the supermarket.

Him: Arigatou! I like Gintama!

Me: Who is your favorite?

Him: I like Okita Soji, how he always tries to kill Hijikata.

Me: Okita _Sougou. _Okita Soji didn't try to kill his fukuchou.

Him????

Me: Okita Soji was the _real _one, right. Okita Sougou is the Gintama one.

Him????

Me: . . . Never mind.

He's gonna do great on his history test.

_zbrd: Yeah, gotta love the tried and true plot devices. More coming of them are coming up!_

_Bobolac: Hurrah, chapter one earned CAPS. I'm happy. _

_Thank you everyone for reviewing!_


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: Gintama belongs to Sorachi Hideaki. The choker belongs to Yishuu. The stress belongs to Toshirou. I got nothing.

WARNINGS: Sougou has a short hemline. Hijikata has a . . . lap. Gintoki has a dubious thought process. PG-13 for the above and a couple of bad words.

A/N: I have to admit I was harboring secret doubts about how Sougou would actually _look_ in a short kimono and lace but Wow! Yishuu's AWESOME drawing of Sou-chan has totally won me over. See it yourself at (take out the spaces) http://fc03. deviantart. art/ fs24/f/2007/315/9/c/Sou (underscore) chan (underscore) by (underscore) Yishuu.jpg . This picture just makes my year.

Then I was trying to figure out why Kondo would have this kind of kimono lying around and I decided that it was probably due to some secret Otae fantasy he had, but then Sougou happened to see it in his closet and said "Okay, I'll use this," and appropriated it, leaving Kondo with a tear in his eye - but only a little one because when Sougou is happy, Kondo is happy. Unless Sougou is happy due to more than ordinarily sadistic reasons, in which case Kondo is just mildly worried.

Uh, anyway, this is a shortish chapter because the next one will be long (and not posted til next week sometime). Step 6!

* * *

Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough 

Chapter Three

* * *

_When last we left off, Sougou was getting disturbingly into his role and Hijikata was getting increasingly in need of a stiff drink.

* * *

_

6. The Alcohol

During the next three days, Sougou got absurdly good at putting on makeup and, more worryingly, clinging to Hijikata whenever they weren't on patrol and saying deeply embarrassing things memorized from a sheet of crib notes that Yamazaki had prepared and Otae had liberally embellished.

Hijikata had tried to reason with Kondo, pointing out that they didn't _need _verisimilitude. Nobody would _care_ if he got 'married' to somebody five minutes after seeing them on the street. But Kondo had just steadfastly insisted that Shinsengumi members needed to set a good example for the rest of the populace and thus could only be married after a proper length of engagement (which was apparently 5 days).

And then he had _dragged Hijikata out shopping with Sougou_ to buy a choker that matched his outfit, because apparently they were the "in" thing this season.

The only plus to the entire situation was that at least Kondo had confiscated Sougou's rocket launcher because it "wasn't girly enough". (Sougou had promised to cover it with Hello Kitty stickers and glitter, but thankfully Kondo had remained firm).

The dark choker brought out the gleam in Sougou's eyes and the paleness of his skin. Kondo had made _Hijikata_ buy it, and had lectured him when he complained. And then Sougou had said "'I'll thank you later in bed, darling'," in the same tone he usually said "'Die, Hijikata, die'" and the only thing that had stopped Hijikata from doing something violent was the fear of getting blood on the new choker, because he couldn't afford to buy another one on his salary.

All of which was why, with two days to go before the honeymoon ship took off, Hijikata Toshirou was alone in a bar trying to avoid being clung to by his fashionable 1st captain and mocked as a bad boyfriend.

Silently, he drained another glass, balancing somewhere between glum and peaceful.

He didn't bother to look up as the bartender slid another drink over. "Lady problems?" the man guessed sympathetically.

"You have no idea . . . "

Hijikata stared moodily into the murky depths of his drink. He had ordered sake but for some reason the liquid was faintly pink. It didn't matter. All he needed for the rest of the night was a few more shots of alcohol, a few more hours of solitude, and absolutely no cross-dressing fiancées in sight.

He wasn't surprised, then, when - as if summoned from some twisted dimension created solely to torment Hijikata Toshirou - the door swung open and Sougou appeared in the doorway. Expression determined and kimono sleeves swishing, he marched to the bar and plopped himself onto Hijikata's lap as per Good Fiancée Rule #4.

"Dammit, what are you doing here?" Hijikata would have liked to just push Sougou to the ground, but he had already learned the hard way that a shoving match on one's lap resulted in friction in all the wrong places.

"'I missed you'," Sougou said in the most unimpassioned voice imaginable.

"Don't be an idiot. I thought I told you not to bother me here." Hijikata lifted his glass again, manfully ignoring the eyeful of leg and lapful of warmth he was now subjected to.

"No, you told me to 'come here anytime because we have an open and mutually respectful relationship with a sincere enjoyment of conversation as well as excellent sex'," Sougou announced to the bar in general in a bland, bored, obviously coached way.

"No, we don't," Hijikata stated, trying not to catch anyone's expression.

"Yes, we do."

"NO, we DON'T."

Sougou frowned. "Do I have to prove it to you?"

"There is no way—whatareyoudoing?"

Sougou's lips were suddenly coming closer, so close that Hijikata could actually smell the fruity scent of the lipstick.

"Nrg," he said.

Sougou leaned closer. Hijikata's world abruptly narrowed to peach smeared lips and deadly brown eyes and utter panic. He couldn't remember this in any of the scripts. Perhaps Sougou was actually annoyed that Hijikata had spent the whole evening successfully avoiding him.

Well, too bad, Sougou could just . . . . Sougou could just . . . .

Sougou's lips were slightly open, his breath playing against Hijikata's face, and the shift of his weight as he leaned forward made Hijikata swallow. Prudently, he focused on the smell of the lipstick, because it really was a sickly sweet smell and not erotic at all.

Correction: NONE of this was erotic in any way. At all.

. . . . Right. He had almost forgotten that. What the hell kind of sake was this bar serving anyway? It was affecting him far more than it should.

"Sougou, if you come any closer I will kill you," Hijikata said flatly.

Sougou didn't seem particular put out by this reaction. "Maa, Hijikata-san, you really are a bad boyfriend," he sighed.

"I am not a bad boyfriend. Now get the hell off me."

Apparently tired of teasing, Sougou obediently withdrew somewhat, although he remained resolutely planted on Hijikata's knee because Yamazaki had assured him that it was What Fiancées Do. Hijikata was planning to have a serious talk with Yamazaki in the near future, preferably somewhere secluded where no one could hear the spy's screams.

The odd-tasting drink was still in his hand. Hijikata took a long sip.

"I want a drink, too," Sougou said petulantly.

"You don't deserve a drink."

"You should buy me one."

"Never."

"I don't know," said the bartender, "maybe you should appreciate what you have, buy her a drink, and stop being such a bad boyfriend."

"I am NOT a bad - who asked you?!" Hijikata demanded, glaring at the figure behind the bar. Then he blinked and realized it was Sakata Gintoki.

Well, that explained why everything he ordered was arriving mixed with strawberry milk.

"Perfect. What are you doing here, asshole?" he demanded tiredly.

"Job."

"Do you even know how to make drinks?"

Gintoki shrugged. "Pour stuff in a glass. It's an instinct every man is born with."

No wonder Hijikata was feeling so sick. Not turned on. Just sick. And very, very drunk.

"Ah, spring," Gintoki sighed, gazing into the distance as if he were an eighty year old man, "when a young man's thoughts turn to groping."

Wearily, Hijikata wondered why groping kept entering his conversations.

Now the crazy red-haired girl joined in, dressed in a waiter's outfit and coming from the end of the bar where she had apparently been eating all the snacks meant for customers. Of course the kid with glasses followed.

"_Kora_!" she exclaimed, pointing dramatically at Hijikata. "I won't forgive you if you cheat on Okita."

"I am Okita," said Sougou.

Kagura peered closer. "Oh. I didn't recognize you because you're not usually in his lap,"

Sougou mimicked Gintoki's shrug. "Job."

Gintoki also peered closer. "Is that what you do in the Shinsengumi?" he asked curiously.

"Only this week," Sougou said matter-of-factly. "It's because of Kondo-san."

The Freelancers digested this for a minute, during which time Hijikata again weighed the possibility of dumping Sougou onto the floor.

"I see. . . ." Gintoki said sympathetically, "a bad breakup, was it? But do you really think running to _this_ guy on the rebound will make you happy? He's obviously not a kind or nurturing person. Well, neither are you, of course . . . ."

"I wasn't going out with Kondo-san," Sougou clarified.

"Oh, so it was _you_ he broke up with?" Gintoki regarded Hijikata. "Lucky break for him, I'd say."

Hijikata glared at the apparently dating-obsessed silver-haired Freelancer irritably. "Kondo-san did not break up with me."

"You broke up with him? How cruel!"

"Ne, don't you have to commit seppuku if you break up with the commander?" Kagura asked curiously.

"It seems only fair," Gintoki decided, nodding sagely.

"I think so, too," Sougou agreed.

"NOBODY is going out with Kondo-san!" Hijikata bellowed. "Sougou and I are only engaged so we can go on a honeymoon ship and arrest some smugglers."

Stoically, he tried to ignore how incredibly idiotic that sentence had sounded. It got even harder when Sougou took the opportunity to wiggle more firmly into his lap.

"Smuggling?" Gintoki looked interested. "Is there a reward for stopping it?" he asked speculatively. "Maybe we should go, too."

"Na, Gin-chan," Kagura asked eagerly, "can I be the man?"

"You're too young to be the man," Gintoki said severely, as if that was the only objection.

Kagura looked annoyed for a second, but then shook it off and turned to Sougou. "Anyway!" she said excitedly. "Okita-chan, I'm so happy to have another girl around. Let's be best friends!"

"Can't we just fight like always?" Sougou asked wistfully.

"No, you'll put a run in your stockings."

Sougou sighed lightly. "I don't like being a girl," he complained.

Hijikata was obscurely relieved to hear that.

"Come to think of it, you don't usually dress like this, either," Kagura said, as she had apparently just noticed the whole kimono-and-lace motif. Looking interested, she reached out to take Sougou's chin in one deceptively fragile-looking hand, and turned it in various directions to examine him. It probably would have broken his neck if he had tried to resist, but he looked tempted to anyhow as she bent him backward across Hijikata to get a better look.

"Gin-chan," she said finally, "his makeup is better than yours."

"Don't make it sound like I always wear makeup," Gintoki rebuked. "That's only on special occasions."

"That looks like Ane-ue's nail polish," Shinpachi suddenly said from where he had wandered over to inspect Sougou with Kagura. "Is that where she went the other day with Kondo-san? Did she . . . you mean she . . . .she _dressed him up_?"

Shinpachi looked stricken, deeply upset at the thought of Otae being sisterly to someone else.

"I should never have said I was too old for that . . . ." he murmured plaintively, no doubt imagining a future where Otae was married to Kondo and happily dressing up Sougou every day, while he, the once loved now forgotten brother, stood alone and forlorn in the wind, and rain, and snow, outside closed gates, clutching a long-abandoned girl's kimono . . . .

Or something like that.

Sougou was still being forcibly splayed across Hijikata. "Can I sit up now?" he complained.

Kagura kindly let him go and he returned to a more modest upright position, although not much more modest due to the obscenely short hemline.

After a second, Hijikata realized that he wasn't the only one noticing this fact.

"Sakata, dammit! Is that how you treat other people's fiancée's?" he growled.

"She was making eyes at me!" Gintoki protested. "Weren't you?"

"Were you?" Hijikata demanded.

Sougou shrugged.

"Ah, the hot pangs of jealousy," Kagura said, gazing off into the distance as if she were an 80 year old man. Woman. "Those bygone days of love and groping."

"I will kill the next person who mentions groping," swore Hijikata. "Other than the fact that we hate each other, Sougou and I have nothing more than an ordinary, _platonic _relationship."

Gintoki nodded wisely. "Obviously ordinary, platonic relationships equal sex."

"They do not!"

"Ah, you're still so young in the ways of the world."

"I am not, you bastard!"

"But Gin-chan," Kagura cut in, her nose wrinkled in unusual contemplation, "don't you have a platonic relationship with me? And don't you also have one with Shinpachi?" She turned to Shinpachi with a suddenly outraged expression. "Shin-chan! He's two-timing us!"

"Ane-ue . . ." Shinipachi whispered, lost in his visions, " . . . it's so cold . . . ."

"How can I be two-timing anyone when the three of us are together day and night?" Gintoki wondered curiously.

Kagura gasped. "Gin-chan, that's disgusting! You have soiled the emotions of my innocent girlish heart. Okita-chan, let's go sing karaoke and talk about how men are swine!"

"Okay," Sougou agreed passively, letting Kagura take him by the hand and drag him off Hijikata.

The motion again hiked up his already permanently hiked hem, a fact that Hijikata only noticed because it was going on right in front of him and he had no choice. Obviously.

It was only when Sougou and Kagura were halfway to the door that Hijikata noticed Gintoki was looking in the same direction. Again.

"On the bright side," Gintoki draped a commiserating arm around Hijikata, "for a sadist, he really has pretty nice legs."

In a way, Hijikata felt relieved. Finally, after days of enduring nonstop humiliation . . . here, here at last . . . was someone he could punch really hard.

So he did.

* * *

Tbc! 

_Bobolac: Glad you liked __last chapter__! Yes, I'm fond of Hijikata's cigarette power. Unfortunately he couldn't smoke in this chapter because it __probably __would have set Sougou's hair on fire._


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: If Gintama belonged to me, it would not have taken me this long to realize I was spelling Sougo's name wrong. Also Kondou, but I knew that already and, uh, like it better wrong. I'll get around to fixing the first three chapters at some point . . .

WARNING: Hey, there's actually something to warn about in this one. Adult situations! HijiOki k-i-s-s-i-n-g. And maybe even a little groping.

A/N: I feel like Sougo's finally beginning to enjoy himself in life more. He seemed to really have fun in the bathroom chapter a few weeks ago. (Is that sentence more disturbing in or out of context?). Anyway, I think that's nice.

Thank you everyone for your super kind reviews! This chapter is a bit of a departure from the others due to drunk!Hijikata POV and what drunk!Hijikata is doing. Hope it works out okay. Step 7!

* * *

Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough 

Chapter Four

* * *

_When last we left off, one of our intrepid heroes was drunk, annoyed, and suffering a bit from unresolved sexual tension, while the other was . . .oh, seriously who ever knows what he's thinking?

* * *

_

7. The UST

Hijikata was still inexplicably livid, as well as considerably more drunk than normal, by the time they reached the Shinsengumi quarters. Sougo kept up with him, oddly quiet, which under normal circumstances would have sent Hijikata into a panic of self-preservation, because fiancée or no, a quiet Sougo was a scheming Sougo. Well, or a sleeping one, although Hijikata was reasonably convinced the only reason Sougo slept so much was to be able to scheme in peace. And be awake enough to do demonic rituals in the middle of the night.

Probably he was scheming right now – scratch that, inevitably he was scheming – but he hadn't so much as tried to "remove a fly from your shoulder, Hijikata-san" via sword strike since Hijikata had punched Sakata, stormed out of the bar into another and had started serious drinking. If he had been halfway sober, this would have scared Hijikata to pieces.

As it was, staggering back along the wooden engawa and half leaning on Sougo, the younger man making small put upon noises as he shouldered Hijikata's weight, the vice commander was simply vaguely relieved that somewhere between Hijikata's dramatic exit/temper tantrum and Sougo tracking him down hours later in the last bar, the Shinsengumi's 1st captain had put on pants.

"Maa, Hijikata-san is too heavy, mayonnaise is a fattening food you know," Sougo complained, sliding the shouji doors to Toshirou's room open with one foot and hefting him through the opening. Hijikata's sword caught on the doorframe and he stumbled, overbalancing the slighter captain and sending them both to the floor.

"Heavvvvy," whined Sougo with irritation, pushing at Hijikata.

The vice commander blinked at the younger man. "Since when do you fall down?" he asked muzzily, half curious, half deeply suspicious courtesy of ingrained survival instincts.

Sougo pouted up at him, brown eyes narrowing in slight annoyance. "Since when do you need a babysitter to get you into bed?"

Into bed . . . Hijikata shivered, trying to squash some vague thought process triggered by those words. Then a different natural instinct took over and biting back a yawn, he slumped further down, inhaling gently as his mouth came to rest sleepily against Sougo's cheek. He was getting older, after all, and it had been a long night.

"Hijikata-san—"

Without the terrible lipstick, he noticed, Sougo smelled . . . better. Funny, he hadn't ever thought about what Sougo smelled like, but then again he usually tried not to get too close to him on account of hidden weaponry. There was a faint echo of cigarette smoke – _Hijikata's_ cigarettes – on the captain, and under that, Sougo smelled of the bars they had gone into, and of blood, and fire and steel and cannons; everything dangerous, really, but in a strangely familiar way that was not _sweet _at all, but almost . . . pleasant.

In fact, lying here on the floor, padded by Sougo, Hijikata was drunk enough to feel warm and tired and oddly comfortable, despite the fact that Sougo was probably about to chop his arms off, despite innuendo and assumption and everything that _always _needed to be done. . . .

"I just came and got you because Kondo-san made me," Sougo reminded him, pouting some more and squirming under Hijikata's weight. "I was just obeying –Hijikata-san, what are you doing?"

"Maybe I'll sleep here, since you don't smell as bad," he murmured, inhaling again.

"As bad as what?" Sougo was still squirming, but that felt okay, too.

"As I thought you would." Even half asleep Hijikata managed to sneer in disgust. "That damn 'little Edo girl' lipstick. Smelled like cotton candy. Bet it tastes like syrup."

When he roused himself again, Sougo had a different expression in his lacquer brown eyes. "Ah," said the captain shrewdly, "so Hijikata-san wants to know how I really taste."

Was that what he wanted to know? He wanted to know where that damn terrorist Katsura was, he wanted to know how he could instill more order in the Shinsengumi, preferably by banning all sports equipment and rocket launchers; he wanted to know why some ramen shops charged extra for mayonnaise. . . . .

"Hijikata-san likes to know all the facts," Sougo said thoughtfully. "He likes to investigate."

That was true, he did. Without all the facts it was impossible to craft a plan perfectly. Without a perfect plan something could go wrong. Criminals could escape. Squad members could be hurt. So facts were what was the word? Good. That was it. Knowing all the facts was good. The important thing, the safe thing, was to stay in _control_, because if you lost control who _knew_ what could happen.

"Maybe Hijikata-san should investigate now," Sougo continued, his voice lithe and deadpan as usual but holding a little curl of something that made Hijikata's head pound.

Wait, no, that was probably the copious amounts of liquor he had recently consumed.

Besides, Sougo might be bloodthirsty and lazy and barely controllable, but he was also nothing if not pragmatic. His plans were always good ones, at least when they didn't involve maiming Hijikata to take over his position -

Sougo was saying something. What was it? Hijikata concentrated. Oh, right. Investigate. Taste. Yes, that was sound. Sound and what was it? Pragmatic. Soundly pragmatic. Was pragmatic the right word? Maybe. And he didn't have to move much. That was good. Was something wrong with this? Hijikata couldn't quite tell.

So lazily, he turned his head and met Sougo's lips. They were soft and a little smooth/dry, like a kind of silk, maybe, no sticky smear of cosmetics to cover the skin. He tasted a bit like drinks, actually, not alcohol but something Kagura had probably made him buy – and somehow that thought made Hijikata annoyed again and he caught Sougo's chin with one hand and tilted it firmly to a better angle, parting lips more energetically to delve further into the younger captain's mouth, investigating the way smoke and drink mingled with that hint of sword and gun and blood . . . and Sougo's mouth moved against his and his tongue was lazy and tantalizing and _good god he was kissing Sougo and Sougo was kissing right back!_

What the _hell?!_

A sudden jolt of sobriety shot through Hijikata and he wrenched himself away from the othe's lips, instinctively checking for knife wounds Sougo might have inflicted while he was otherwise distracted.

Sougo raised himself to his elbows and peered at the wide-eyed Hijikata. The 1st captain's hair had become slightly mussed and his face was tinged with an unusual flush, but he didn't seem to think that anything unusual had just happened.

"Maa, so jumpy Hijikata-san," he pouted. "I thought you wanted to investigate. You know I don't fool around when we're in the middle of an investigation."

He stretched back languidly and tilted his head, eyes settling on the vice commander. "Don't you want to investigate? Hijikata Toshirou is always very thorough, isn't he?"

At the moment, Hijikata Toshirou wasn't sure what he always was. He wasn't always this drunk, he knew that, but outside from that general reference point he couldn't quite remember. Which meant – he figured fuzzily after a moment - he would have to rely on Sougo, who was reliable in his own special, infuriating way. And he hadn't quite figured out all the tastes yet and that _was_ nagging at him because he _was _thorough.

Still, thorough or not, sober or not, affianced or not, he was still Hijikata Toshirou alone with Okita Sougo, which meant he was in grave danger unless he took a few basic precautions.

"Weapons," he ordered with just the slightest slur, "outside."

"I only have my sword," Sougo protested, looking wounded at the implication – or maybe just embarrassed at having to admit the lack of heavy artillery.

Hijikata thought about this as the younger man took the katana and placed it carefully outside of the sliding doors. Sougo was still flushed and still watching him and something about the look in his cool eyes was making it very hard to think.

No, wait - he kept forgetting - that was the alcohol.

"You never have just one weapon," he said slowly. "Take off your coat."

Smoothly, maybe a little more slowly than necessary, Sougo obediently stripped off his black jacket. Clad only in white shirt and the sleek vest, Hijikata was forcibly reminded of just how slim Sougo really was. Usually, in the midst of being bloody-mindedly harassed by him, it was easy to forget that his build didn't match his malevolence, but somehow even more than in the kimono, he looked young like this and – if not for those dark watchful eyes – almost vulnerable.

"Hijikata-san should remove his coat, too."

"Mmmm?"

"Hijikata-san spilled drinks on his coat. He should soak it or it won't come out." Sougo made a fastidious expression. "Fukuchou shouldn't have a stained uniform. People will think you dropped mayonnaise on it."

"Well, since YOU chopped up my other jacket," Hijikata grumbled, shaking his head and feeling a little more clear-headed now that they were talking about normal things. Clumsily, he shrugged out of the coat and stumbling only slightly made it to the sink in the small adjoining room.

Sougo was on his feet when he returned, waiting for him with that slight smile that never boded well. "Well?" he asked lightly, "are you going to search me for dangerous materials?"

The whole captain was a dangerous material, Hijikata thought, but his thoughts were distracted as Sougo held out his arms in a mock submissive pose, offering up his body for perusal. Somehow during the time it had taken Hijikata to take care of his coat, Sougo had discarded his vest and was now clad only in his untucked white shirt which was strangely unbuttoned in the front to reveal flashes of pale, lean stomach and chest.

"Why do you have your shirt undone?" Hijikata demanded, starting to feel a little drunk again.

Funny how the alcohol kept buzzing on and off like that. He must have ordered something really strange this time, although he couldn't remember what it was. Maybe it was the after-effects of all that sugar from the strawberry milk.

Sougo stood with arms outstretched to each side, so that the shirt swayed and brushed toned flesh as he breathed. "I'm just trying to be helpful," he said innocently. "Because fukuchou won't _believe_ me, won't this make it easier to see for yourself?"

Hijikata's head was definitely buzzing again now, but he couldn't come up with any reason to disagree with the captain's assessment. Sougo was always logical. Insane, but logical. And waiting . . . .

Mechanically, Hijikata stepped forward to close the distance between them, running his hands down Sougo's cloth-clothed arms, then back up and across his shoulders, down against the younger man's back, and curving around the slim waist, the black pants cut low to cling at the hips. . . .

He hesitated, hands half on shirt and half touching cool skin. Sougo tilted his head back to regard the vice-commander.

"I could be hiding something under the shirt," he prompted.

Hijikata didn't think that was too likely since he could _see _the smooth lines of Sougo's body, unmarred by any straps for knives or throwing stars, but this was Sougo they were talking about and he always had surprises, so he continued to slide his hands up the flat plane of the younger man's abdomen, tracing the curve of the ribs with a thumb and reaching up across his bare chest.

"Guess you're clean," he murmured, hands still on Sougo.

"Disappointed?" Sougo teased him. "But now you can continue your investigation."

Investigation? Hijikata had almost forgotten, but after a moment of concentration, he remembered. Yes, that was why they were doing this. It was terribly lax of him to forget. He was never drinking this much alcohol again. Made him act completely unnaturally.

Why was he investigating again? Couldn't quite remember but it had to be important, right? Why else would he be spending this much effort on it. And Sougo was actually helping him for once . . . .

With renewed focus, he obediently caught Sougo's lips, licking them, teasing them between his teeth, before letting his tongue push as deeply as it could into the captain's mouth. Of course his hands were still against Sougo's chest, so it was only natural to slide them under the shirt to press against the well-defined back muscles, at the same time pulling the younger man more firmly against his own body.

A few quiet and involved moments passed.

"Hijikata-san, your buttons are uncomfortable," Sougo said finally, pulling back and breathing a little strangely.

He had a point, so it seemed perfectly reasonable to strip off the vest, and come to think about it, the shirt had buttons too, so maybe that was why Sougo had decided to abandon his as well . . . but Hijikata really must be drunk, or as heavy as Sougo claimed, because once more the younger man lost balance and they ended up on the floor again, fingers twining through hair, legs wrapping around each other and skin hot on skin.

His head was pleasantly warm, now, not thinking of much, just like when he was with a woman, thoughts escaping all the needs and demands of work, all the worries, and focusing comfortably on the feel of flesh on flesh, mouth against mouth. Instinctively, he slid down to lick along the neck, the collarbone. . . . The shape of the chest was off, a part of him pointed out, but the sounds that his accompanied his ministrations were just right, exactly calculated to send hard, insistent heat throbbing between his legs, pushing against the tight material of his uniform as he began to mouth and gently bite a haphazard line down toward the button of the low-riding pants. . . .

Sougo's eyes fluttered opened and he regarded his vice-commander. "Hijikata-san . . . ."

"_Hijikata-san." _Said Sougo in his ear. "_It's time for breakfast."_

Hijikata opened his eyes. Instantly accessed the situation. Took a breath. And screamed.

"Hijikata-saan," Sougo complained, making a face from under him. "You don't have to yell. I'm right here."

Hijikata didn't bother explaining that was exactly why he had screamed. Sougo really was _right _there. Very very _very_ right _there._

Okay. Okay. No time for panicking. What had just happened? What had he done? Had he done that? Had that been a dream? Was it all a dream? Why had he had a dream like that? If it was all a dream, why was he lying half-draped over Sougo? Had he just molested his subordinate in his sleep? Had _he_ just been molested in _his_ sleep? No, he was definitely on top, which meant if anyone was doing the molesting it was . . . .

He was going to have to commit seppuku, wasn't he. In fact, maybe he wanted to. Seppuku sounded pretty good right now.

Although . . . .

. . . both he and Sougo did seem to have their clothes still on. That was . . . reassuring. . . wasn't it. . . ?

He didn't feel very reassured. He felt -

"Sougo," Hijikata rasped, wincing from the hangover, "why am I on top of you?"

Sougo shrugged and Hijikata shuddered as he felt the movement. "You wanted to sleep like this," he said unconcernedly.

"And you _let_ me?"

"Kondo-san said I couldn't hurt you when we were in bed," Sougo reminded him, apparently counting being in floor as part of the same category.

"I – but – I – "

"Well, I did kick you off but you came back, so I decided I didn't really care." The answers were laconic as usual, with no hint of any underlying meaning.

"So I was – I wasn't – "

"Hijikata-san, you're rambling. It's probably a sign of mental deterioration."

"I – did I – "

"It's embarrassing to be engaged to someone so mentally infirm."

"_Sougo, DID I _–"

"Hm? What?"

Facing Sougo, still so very _there_ and bored and vaguely tousled, Hijikata realized that there was no way he could finish asking the question.

Instead, he just said, very, very honestly, "I think I may be sick."

"That's what I've been saying."

"I meant the other kind of sick."

"Did you?"

"Why are you even talking to me?" Hijikata groaned. He wanted to bury his pounding head, but currently all that was available to bury it in was Sougo.

Sougo shrugged again. "It's not like I can go anywhere," he pointed out.

Except that Hijikata wasn't that heavy. Sougo didn't have to stay like this unless he _wanted_ to. Why would he want to? Swallowing, Hijikata looked deep into Okita's eyes and realized that, deep down, truly and honestly, Sougo was amused as hell about all this.

Bastard.

"Anyway, Hijikata-san, do you know you talk in your sleep?"

"Wha---"

He was saved, although that wasn't really the correct choice of words, by the door sliding back to admit fresh morning air and Kondo Isao, with a toothbrush in his mouth and a slight frown.

"Was that Toshi screaming just n---ehh?"

"Oh, good morning Kondo-san.," Sougo said pleasantly from under Hijikata.

Kondo blinked. "Uh, Sougo. Toshi. What are ---",

"Still practicing," Sougo said nonchalantly.

Kondo nodded a little uncertainly. "Uh, well, good improvement . . . ."

Hijikata thought it was highly ironic that the one time he would have been happy to let Sougo kill him, the captain was having too much fun to offer.

"Let's just get this damn mission _over_," he hissed, and fled with absolutely no dignity at all.

He didn't look back to see if Sougo was watching him go.

* * *

Tbc 

Ah, poor Toshirou, even in his dreams (nightmares?) he barely gets to second base. Geez that was a long slow dream. Next chapter: Hijikata finally takes charge! Possibly not in the way you think.

* * *

_explodreamer: Ha, okay, I'm working on the Sougo's-hair-on-fire thing. _

_Yishuu: Waiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_The Scarlet Pencil: Whoops, sorry, this chapter was more gratuitous than funny . . . . I love your analysis of their relationship! _

_Bobolac: I'm getting slower (sweatdrop)_

_Niram: Glad you're enjoying it!_


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: Certainly not mine.

WARNINGS: A little making out, a little violence, a little swearing, a little crack. Not necessarily at the same time.

A/N: The other day I was in a bookstore buying Gintama and the rather elegant salesclerk was being friendly to the stupid foreigner and started to say "Oh, do you like G—" when suddenly she noticed there was a businessman standing next to us and she literally _could not say_ the title of the series. She had to just point to the book. So yes, Sorachi, rejoice, your dream of causing Japanese females embarrassment with a slightly obscene title HAS WORKED.

This is the last chapter! I kind of wanted to keep going, but every time I tried, either Hijikata or Okita would refuse to cooperate. So you get this instead. Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough 

Chapter Five

* * *

_When last we left off, probably neither one of our intrepid heroes had gotten much sleep, __although you still never know with Sougo.

* * *

_

8. The Plot Device

Having just been married in a simple ceremony with no friends or family present, Hijikata Toshirou, darling wife Hijikata Sou-chan on his arm, stepped into the main room of the honeymoon ship HappyLoveLoveHoney Dream Cruiser and was instantly assaulted by flowers, balloons, frilly decorations, sappy recycled musak and everything else that was needed to make his existence hell on earth (or currently, in space).

Well, there was one more thing, and he was currently twined around Hijikata in what no doubt looked like a loving embrace but felt like he was trying to rip his arm off.

"Oh, it's so romantic," came a voice. Hijikata was only marginally relieved to realize it wasn't Sougo.

"Dammit, I told you not to come!" he growled, torn between trying to incinerate the three Yorozuya on the spot with his full force MegaGlare, and the desire to shield his eyes from the terrible spectacle they made.

Kagura had evidently gotten her way as usual, as she was in a flimsy disguise as a heavily moustache'd man in a badly checked suit, while Gintoki (because he seemed to like it) and Shinpachi (probably due to his sister complex) burned the retinas with their attempts at feminine wiles.

So not only were they polygamists, they were cross-dressing polygamists.

. . . although at least they hadn't included the dog.

"Of course we're here," Kagura stated. "We are in love."

"Um, no we're not," Gintoki corrected nervously. He looked over at Shinpachi for conformation. "Right?"

Feeling the start of a migraine coming on, Hijikata wondered when his job had become such constant cruel and unusual punishment. Well, from the very first day, really. But this was extreme even for normal.

"Why do I have to put up not only with _that_ –" a glare toward Sougo- "but you losers?" he complained.

"It's just one week, 'darling'," Sougo said sweetly.

One week. The words struck something primal in Hijikata. One week was seven days. Seven more days of being forced to watch Sougo waltz around dressed like this and pretending to like it. Seven _nights _of sharing the vicinity of the same bed. Seven nights when there could be _dreams. _Seven days _and_ nights of investigating smugglers - and while that sounded innocent enough, it was just the sort of thing that led to being handcuffed together in a boiler room or something, somewhere where it was close and dark and hot or – god forbid – where one of them could get _hurt_ and have to rely on the other one to _comfort and protect him._

Hijikata's battle-honed instincts were justifiably famous, and they were currently trying to tell him that somehow this entire set up was very, very dangerous indeed.

He looked around at the romantic room with the romantic decorations and the romantic music and the not at all romantic figure hugging his arm. . . .

"Ne, Okita-chan, they have private hot tubs in the rooms!" Kagura said excitedly, looking up from perusing the complimentary brochure.

Hot tubs.

"Oh?" Sounding almost happy, Sougo detached himself from Hijikata to look over her shoulder. "It looks like they have vibrating beds, too."

Vibrat—

And then Hijikata Toshirou realized with sudden, perfect clarity, exactly what he needed to do. Beat the hell out of everyone on the boat until he found the smugglers. Now.

Screw infiltration, Hijikata decided. He wasn't spending another minute in this sugary pink lovey dovey cross-dressing nightmare.

The boat was scheduled to depart dock in ten minutes. "Sakata," he said levelly. "I will treat all three of you to an all-you-can-eat buffet if you knock every single person here besides us unconscious in the next 9.9 minutes."

"_**YOSHAAA!!!"**_

_**

* * *

**_

_And thus it was that the following did not happen:_

* * *

They crouched in one of the storage rooms on the pirate's ship, crates and barrels of oysters, cream, chocolate-dipped strawberries and – somewhere, drugs – stacked around them. 

Even Sougo was breathing hard; they hadn't expected so many pirates and they certainly hadn't anticipated the smugglers realizing someone had sneaked aboard their ship while ostensibly the supplies were being restocked, but really the drugs were being moved.

The rest of the Shinsengumi would be here soon, of course. The Yorozuya had volunteered to take care of the honeymoon ship while Hijikata and Sougo boarded the smuggle's vessel. By now they had certainly subdued the pirates' cohorts and radio'd for help.

So all he and Sougo had to do now was stay alive and make sure the ship didn't leave orbit.

Somehow that had seemed much simpler ten minutes ago.

"How's your side?" Hijikata asked, noticing the careful way Sougo moved as he shifted his weight to prepare for any sudden necessary lunges. The younger man was at a distinct disadvantage fighting in the kimono and geta, but there had been no time to change once they realized the dealers were planning to escape on the supplies ship.

Hijikata should have _realized_ the clothes would be a problem and had Sougo carry around some decent shoes, at the very least. He should have realized a lot of things – although even now, watching blood seep out from the thin slice in Sougo's clothing, he still wasn't sure what exactly some of those things were.

Sougo shrugged, which meant he didn't want to answer the question, which meant it wasn't good. "You look worse," he pointed out.

The first surprise volley of gunfire had caught them by surprise as they crept aboard only to find a well-armed arsenal waiting. Hijikata knew he would feel the shot to his shoulder later – in fact, he felt it _now,_ if distantly – but the adrenaline racing through his veins would continue to dampen the pain enough that he could do his job. Adrenaline was his friend, at the moment even a better one than Kondo, better than –

Although even now he couldn't really call Sougo his friend. What was he? He was the one who had, minutes ago, pushed him out of the way of an oncoming rain of bullets which could have killed Hijikata, could have killed _Sougo_ instead if Hijikata hadn't instinctively pulled him down with him. He was the one Hijikata worried about, not only out of fear but because he could demonstrateably take care of himself and yet at the same time he obviously couldn't. He was . . .

He was the one who sighed as they heard running footsteps approaching. "I'd rather be with Kondo-san in these life and death situations," he only half-complained. "I wonder why it always ends up with us together?"

Hijikata felt a smile tug at his lips. "Because together we always get out alive," he said fiercely.

"Heh," Sougo looked suddenly relaxed, flexing his fingers on the hilt of his sword. "You always have such simplistic answers. If we get out of this, I might let you kiss me, you know."

"Is that supposed to be an incentive?"

"Maybe we'll find out."

Still grinning a little, seeing an almost identical expression on Sougo's face, Hijikata supposed they would.

* * *

_This also didn't happen:_

_

* * *

_

Sougo was dancing with Sakata. Sougo was _dancing _with Sakata. Never mind the fact they were both supposed to be girls (looking at it logically that was no different than them both being boys and dancing), Sougo had allowed himself to be twirled and guided around the dance floor for most of the night and not by Hijikata. Not that Hijikata had asked, of course. Not that he _wanted_ to. It was the principle of the thing. Plus, now everyone was whispering that he had a lesbian wife.

Hijikata slouched in a chair and watched Sougo spin.

Everywhere he looked there was goopy romance. Couples nuzzled, cooed, fed each other dinner, kissed in the corners, _danced _. . . . The bar was well stocked at least. He had drunk a little, because what else was there to do with your cross-dressing partner was ignoring you to dance with your cross-dressing associate/enemy. He hadn't had so much that there was any danger of another repeat of what had happened - or hadn't really happened but had seemed to happen - the other night, but just enough that the details of that dream were coming back to him in bright, warm detail.

He should have known it was a hallucination at the time. There was no way Sougo could be that pleasant. That _encouraging. _That really damn sexy.

He could think that, because it was only a dream. Someone in a dream could be exactly who you wanted to lick and pleasure and feel against you all night. . . . But that didn't mean the same person in reality was, even if they looked the same and acted almost the same, and . . were letting Sakata's hand get way too close to their ass.

"Damn, that's hot," someone whispered behind Hijikata. "Did they marry each other? Do you think they're going to make out on the dance floor?"

Hijikata slammed his glass down and turned his glare of death on the speaker. "That's my wife you're talking about," he snarled.

The man went white. "Uhh, w-which one?" he stammered.

Hijikata opened his mouth to answer _the pouty, sexy one, _but caught himself in time because he wasn't supposed to be thinking things like that about real, living Sougo.

It was just annoying that Sougo was ignoring him, that was all. It wasn't Hijikata's arrogance that made him know Sougo usually watched him all the time. Okay, it was a constant scrutiny for weaknesses and gaze of hatred, but it was always there. Sougo might like Kondo better, but he paid attention to Hijikata every moment of the day. He spent _energy_ on Hijikata, Sougo who would barely get fervent even in the most dramatic battles.

But just because he might have gotten used, over the years, to being the target of Sougo's attention – albeit usually in a blood-thirsty way – didn't mean he _missed_ it.

It didn't mean he _cared_.

It didn't mean he was going to _carve off Sakata's hand_ if it slid any further down Sougo's kimono.

It didn't mean there was any sort of territorial possessiveness in the way Hijikata finally stormed onto the dance floor and yanked Sougo out of a waltz and dragged him out of the room and into the corridors, where he spun the captain around and scowled at him.

"Why are you flirting with Sakata?" he demanded.

"You wouldn't buy me a drink."

"I never buy you drinks."

"You were ignoring me. I was bored."

"So you decided to _flirt with Sakata_?"

Sougo cocked his head, expression unreadable. "Are you jealous? Of me or him?"

There seemed to be no appropriate response save one: Hijikata slammed Sougo against the wall and kissed him hard and thoroughly.

Then released him and thought, oh shit.

Instead of killing him, however, Sougo just methodically re-straightened his kimono. "Oh," he said. "You should have said so earlier."

"Uh. . . .?"

Sougo didn't kiss him then, but somehow Hijikata felt as if he had. And Hijikata Toshirou realized that for the first time in forever, things were about to get interesting in a way he might actually enjoy.

* * *

_This certainly didn't happen (although it was a long shot anyway)_

_

* * *

_

Hijikata had survived the hot tub. He had born with the vibrating bed. But when Sougo, rummaging through the complimentary gift basket left in the room, had discovered the massage oils, he had thoroughly been defeated.

Of course, the fact that Sougo had also found the handcuffs and used them first, helped.

"Nnggrh," Hijikata groaned as Sougo's slick hands proved to be enticingly efficient at other things than mayhem, "S-Sougo! Yes, Sou-! . . . uh, Sougo? Where are you going?"

Sougo looked back at him from the corner of the room, where he was picking up his sword.

"Uh, Sougo," Hijikata said nervously, tugging at the handcuffs, "remember what Kondo-san said about not killing me when we're like this. . .

Sougo started walking back to the bed. "He'll forgive me eventually," he said reasonably, lining up his sword.

"Wha-what do you—"

"For what it's worth," Sougo admitted as he hefted up the gleaming katana, "I do have feelings for you. But after spending half of my life with your death as my goal, it would be a little embarrassing to give up now. Ne, Hijikata-san, don't you agree?"

And that is how Hijikata Toshirou died an extremely embarrassing death.

* * *

_Finally, thank goodness, no trace of this occurred:_

_

* * *

_

Sougo and Hijikata, slightly wounded from their fight with the entire crew of a space pirate ship (but artfully so, meaning the splattered blood on their faces looked sexy rather than, you know, dried and flaking and disgusting) stood on the pile of their vanquished enemies and wondered what to do next.

Normally, the answer would have been simple – bring in the criminals, oversee the interrogations if they were lucky and if they weren't, watch their catch slip through their fingers as the higher ups took over. Get their wounds treated, wash up.

Change clothes.

"Anyway, that's over," Hijikata finally said awkwardly, looking away from Sougo. It wasn't that he was disappointed their façade of romance was coming to an end. It was just . . . .

"Yeah . . ." Sougo agreed in a soft voice that was so unlike his usual dispassionate tones that despite himself, Hijikata turned back to study the younger captain in surprise.

Sougo refused to meet his eyes, toeing a fallen body spiritlessly, but Hijikata noted with sudden concern that his shoulders slumped in . . .what, weariness? Or was it more like . . . .

"Are you . . . disappointed, Sougo?" he forced himself to ask, trying to pretend like his body didn't thrill at the unexpected possibility.

Sougo's head jerked up in shock and as their eyes met, Hijikata didn't bother pretending anymore. He was suddenly desperate to hear what the younger man would say and in no way uncertain about what he hoped it would be.

"I . . . it's just . . . ." Sougo murmured. "I know that you're not really supposed to be my OTP, but . . . ." He ducked his head, looking at Hijikata through a curtain of bangs. " . . . I . . . like you . . . ." he whispered.

Now it was Hijikata's turn to be shocked. Could it be true? Had that really been what was holding Sougo back all this time? While he had thought the boy was just sadistic and heartless, had he really just been worried because 60 percent of the doujinshi paired Hijikata with that goofball Sakata? What about all the HxO special volumes?! Didn't Sougo realize that 40 percent was enough to build a future on!

"Who cares about canon or public opinion?!" Hijikata demanded with sudden, protective ferocity. "We've got more than enough fans who believe in us – and more importantly, we've got each other."

Sougo's eyes lit up as he realized that against all odds Hijikata returned the undying passion that had been consuming his very being for somewhere between the last five minutes and eight years. Instinctively, he launched himself into Toshirou's arms and they shared a long, deeply romantic kiss, because luckily Hijikata didn't currently have a cigarette in his mouth.

They were both smiling with unaccustomed happiness when they finally unsuctioned from each others' lips.

"Ow," Sougo said bashfully, "it's been a long time since I've, you know, smiled."

"I'll make you smile every day!" Hijikata vowed passionately. "Maybe we'll even tackle that whole laughing idea."

"Now I know I will be happy for ever and ever," Sougo sighed blissfully. "Of course, with my sadism exercised by true love, I won't be able to do my job, so I guess I'll just quit the Shinsengumi and spend the rest of my life taking care of your every whim!"

"I can think of a whim you can take care of right now," Hijikata suggested in a smoldering voice, because thinking about those HxO special volumes was _hot_.

Sougo blushed. "Well, we _are_ on a honeymoon ship. And since every one else is dead or unconscious. . . ." he trailed off suggestively.

Grinning, they linked hands and skipped off into the sunset, leaving Yamazaki and the others to clean up the pirates while they performed naughty X-rated things for ever and ever and ever.

* * *

_Instead, it went like this._

_

* * *

_

8.79 minutes after Hijikata's desperate buffet announcement, Sougo regarded the floorful of unconscious and contused honeymooners dispassionately. The Yorozuya had already moved on to the cockpit, where they were energetically taking care of the last remnants of crew.

"I don't think this is how it was supposed to go, Hijikata-san," Sougo observed blandly, but obviously not caring much.

Feeling suddenly happier than in many days, Hijikata lit up a cigarette and took a long, satisfied drag. "We are lone wolves who follow no rules and are shackled by nothing," he declared grandly.

"Lone wolves? All of us?"

"Because wolves run in packs. But alone."

"They also mate for life," Sougo pointed out with sudden wilderness acumen.

Hijikata snickered airily. "Too bad for you we never mated, then."

"No, it's too bad for Hijikata-san."

"No, it's too bad for Sou-_chan_."

"Too bad for _Hi-chin_."

"Never call me that again."

"Can I still sit on your lap sometimes?"

"Hell, no! Why?"

"It makes it easier to steal your wallet."

"Dammit, I blamed Kondo-san for that."

"Actually, now that we're married I should get all your money," Sougo said thoughtfully.

"That was not a legal ceremony, moron."

"We got a certificate."

"Which I will burn as soon as we get home."

"You're such a bad husband."

"You're a bad wife."

Sougo stretched and nonchalantly folded his arms behind his head. "Anyway, do you want to know what you said in your sleep?"

"I do not talk in my sleep."

"I'd really suggest you get some psychological help."

"You first."

"No, Hijikata-san first."

"Sou-chan first."

"Hi-chin."

"Sou-chan."

"Hi-chin."

"_Teme . . ._ "

And so they passed peacefully bickering into step 10: _The Resolution,_ safe in the knowledge that the ever so dangerous step 9: _The Feeling_s had been once again adeptly circumvented.

And they lived happily ever after until approximately four hours later when Sougo got his rocket launcher back.

* * *

The End.

It's done! That makes me sad . . . For those who wanted actual romance, it will be happening at some point or other in my collection of shorts, S,S & M. Wow, I just realized what a bad abbreviation that is. Anyway, please tune in there!

_Bobolac: You said such nice things and then I went and ended the story! So sorry._

_Niram: Snicker, yeah. Dream!Sougo was pretty shameless about the buttons. And everything else._

_Yishuu: lol, yes, how much was dream? that is the mystery . . . . _


End file.
